Cultivating Your Tribe.
“A good friend knows all your best stories, but a best friend has lived them with you."
Good friendships really are the pinnacle of living. We have our ‘love’ relationships, our ‘work’ people and our ‘for a good time call’ homies. But ‘the tribe’ is like no other. They are the ones we call when we got the job or after the heart-wrenching break-up. The ones on group text that get the tell-all and know all the dirty secrets. The tribe members are the keepers of trust and loyalty and ultimately the soulmates.
We definitely have ours.
Both Alicia and I spare no details or keep sordid secrets from one another, but we also have our other tribe members that strengthen us to keep the balance. We, or maybe I should say, I am lucky that Alicia and I work together and own a business together, it’s what drives the daily communication.
I am the first to admit that I am not the best at putting my friends at the top of my priority list and I definitely have regrets for it. If you have have read about or follow the enneagram chart, I am a 5. I am “The Investigator/Thinker.” I like morning coffee by myself. I am overly-analytical, but insightful. I see both sides to every story. I am naturally very guarded, but will also tell you anything, because I long to be relatable and feel connected. I like social situations just fine, but looooove to be at home. I must know all that I’m involved in, because I don’t like feeling helpless or incapable. I require recharge time and, although I used to think I was being selfish for it, I have since realized it’s the only way I can give more of myself.
Other than Alicia, I have 4 other tribe members that I share all of my life with… they are the ones that I do not cap with any filters, they hear it all. They just get me. And they still seem to love me for whatever reason. I’ve got mad jokes, so it must be my canny sense of humor. I’m very fortunate to have a job that requires scheduled time. My girls make appointments to get their hair done and I get 2 hours of their time. Win-win.
Through this crazy year, I’ve really worked on building upon my friendships. Checking in more often. Showing my appreciation for the people that, even though I may not always show it, are my rocks.
Somewhere along the way, I’ve realized that the societal standard of the rules of friendship isn’t really written in blood on a Dead Sea scroll. It is interchangeable (to a degree) and interwoven with compromise and adjustments, just like life.
Kim’s 5 Pretty Little Takeaways on Cultivating My Tribe as an Enneagram 5:
Friendship can be SCHEDULED: It is okay to call a friend and ask to set-up a certain place and time. Take your dogs (or kids) for a walk. Get in some good catch-up time. All paws involved probably need the exercise and the friend camaraderie. I think it’s actually been proven that some of the most rewarding conversations happen when side-by-side versus face-to-face. Sometimes the human connection and eye contact can be too overwhelming all at the same time. Going for a walk, or even a scenic drive, can really open up the dialogue without the heaviness of expectation.
SHOPPING is the perfect outlet for asking a friend to catch-up: you’ll resolve some issues with good old-fashioned retail therapy and maybe learn some new fashion trends or college/friend circle gossip. I’m not a huge shopper, but sometimes the best conversations happen when you’re perusing racks and hanging out in the dressing room.
It is okay to WRITE A LIST of things to talk about: Lists are our friend. I have written out lists of topics to discuss with friends so many times. There will be moments when you and certain friends haven’t seen each other in a while, or honestly, there’s just too much on your plate to even think straight. Write a list. Even if it’s: a.) How are you? b.) How are the kids? c.) How’s work? c.) Did you ever talk to your sister about what upset you? I know it may seem impersonal, but it’s not. It actually shows how much you care by taking the time to jot it down.
Just GO: For the most part, I never actually want to be social. I have to have a talk with myself and list the reasons why I need to go. “You cancelled last time.” “You can’t not see your friends.” “Your friend really needs a friend right now.” “You really need a friend right now.” “You can order the cheese dip.” That last one usually always gets me out the door. 99.9% of the time, I am ALWAYS glad I forced myself to go. (Also, as a 5, even though, I rarely want to go, I ALWAYS need to be invited. I know, it’s not cool. I never said I was cool, just love me.)
Multi-Task: One of my tribe members used to call me in the mornings when she was driving her kids to school and I was still at home getting ready for work. Part of me wanted to enjoy my quiet morning, but I found that our quick convos actually started my day off with a smile. We’ve fallen out of that habit, but writing it out makes me want to call her in the morning. Yes, we all get annoyed by the person talking on their phone with earbuds in. You’re trying to pick up a few items for dinner, give a nod to the person near you. Then after a long pause of silence they say something or laugh out loud right in the middle of the soup aisle. You jump and then roll your eyes because it’s just sooooooo ruuuuuude. Well, small little high-five to them for multi-tasking a friend catch-up with grocery shopping. I should do this more often.
Hey guys, it’s Lish!
I am 100% an enneagram 2. There isn’t much more I LOVE in this world than to grow & nourish relationships. It has become a common joke that my house is essentially an AirBnB… One friend group in, and one friend group out! I could not even imagine a friend coming to town staying at a hotel, rather than MY house. Who doesn’t love a bottle of wine, cozy blankets and a Labrador with absolutely NO personal boundaries? Entertaining is genuinely one of my favorite things to do. I live to see the faces of friends when they walk into a thoughtfully, and of course, PRETTY party!
Kim is, well my Kim. We are not only best friends, but we have WORKED so hard to be successful at a business partnership. We work daily, much like a marriage to be patient, and to give & take EQUALLY. When we remodeled the salon, she loathed how low I wanted the lights to hang in our education space, LOATHED. But she humored me wanting to put the word HAPPY permanently in tile at the salon entrance. To this day, the lights hang a little higher than I prefer & the word happy greets everyone who enters our space. That’s a tiny, funny example of give & take, but it is how we HONOR one another in our business relationship.
I am so incredibly LUCKY that I have a tribe which expands beyond just Little Rock. I maybe shouldn’t even use the word “lucky,” because it isn’t just luck. Mutual effort has made us the tribe that we are today. If 2020 wasn’t reason enough to need a tribe, I also went through a divorce mid-quarantine. My 5 college girlfriends are my rocks, not just friends, but my CHOSEN family. We have a never-ending group chat that is filled full of cheering one another on when we succeed, holding each other up when we fall, and an ungodly amount of TikTok’s. We don’t all live near one another, and it’s certainly not easy to get together. We CHOOSE to make an effort to get together, a conscious effort, even if everyday life has exhausted us. We just make it happen.
Aside from owning and working at the salon, I work for an Italian hair color company, Davines. A group of friends that are diverse in color, religion, political beliefs & age. Working for Davines has widened my view of the world, and quickly became my chosen tribe. A tribe that on most days, especially during Covid-19, is rarely all together. These friendships require phone calls, and nothing gives me more anxiety than talking on the phone (funny, not funny.) I have to work extra hard at nourishing those friendships, but the REWARD is so far-reaching in my heart. Occasionally, all 3 of these friend groups are able to align at my house, and as you can imagine, my heart pretty much explodes!
Those of us who are an Enneagram 2 thrive off (sometimes to a fault) wanting to be needed. We are, after all, the “Helper.” That need to be wanted and appreciated can positively be a frustration for us when it isn’t received or reciprocated. I have to constantly remind myself to NOT TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY. Not everyone is a 2, thank God, and because of that we are able to experience unique, multi-faceted relationships. I’m not a by-the-book enneagram lover, however I do think it is massively VALUABLE to understand your own enneagram-type in relation to your friend group. Adult friendships can be hard, it’s just simply not as easy as kid’s playing on the playground. Understanding myself (strengths and weaknesses,) I think… or at least I hope, has helped me to cultivate meaningful, love-filled friendships.
Alicia’s 5 PRETTY little takeaways on Cultivating My Tribe as an Enneagram 2:
If you build it, they might not come, and that is OK! Not everyone loves a big dinner party, incredibly hard to imagine I know, haha!
Be FLEXIBLE. A zoom, phone call or text may be all your friends have to offer momentarily. Quality time is a 2’s thing, but it’s not always everyone else’s favorite, or even feasible.
Have NO expectations. Expectations on friendships only set yourself up for disappointment. Don’t do that to yourself. Meet your friends where they are, and on some days that’s not at all.
Be the HELPER you are. It is after all what we do. Offer to help with your friends kids, make them dinner or just find a way to help make life a little easier in general. Who doesn’t love a little less stress in life.
Dear sweet 2, first take care of YOU. It is so cliche to say that you can’t pour from an empty cup. As 2’s we are most unhealthy & unable to give to our friendships when we haven’t cared for ourselves. We can become the very opposite of what we love about our enneagram.
Stay safe and well, friends.
XO, Kim + Alicia
